Sometimes I wonder why I decided to go down the career woman path. Every day I wake up stressed out of my mind, too much to do, too much to think about, not enough time, no-one to help. As much as I love my job, there is nothing I'll look forward to more than a holiday, and then spend the whole time feeling guilty and fretting about all the work I have to do when I get back, now that I've lost that week. Bordering possibly on insanity about the whole thing, I'm sure.
I love my job, I really do, and I have recently gotten a promotion which means more money, stronger career opportunities in the future, and a chance to have a say in where the company goes. I am utterly flabbergasted, and still in shock. Yet with this, also comes added pressure, mounting expectation, and a boss who now demands every ounce of my being. Yet, when I think about it, I was just as happy being a waitress.
Granted, I can't be a waitress when I'm 45, well I suppose I could, but you don't exactly see many of them, do you?, and the pay is risky, especially now I imagine people are going out for dinner rarely, and when they do, angst over a bottle rather than a glass, which leaves thought for a decent tip somewhat unlikely. But what is it that drives me to be so far up the career ladder that there is nothing at the top but more work and nothing else, because there's no time and you're too knackered. I have neglected my friends, barely knowing anything about the ins and outs of what they are up to, because I'm just too tired and ratty to make the effort I should. As for relationships...
A friend of mine recently opted out of the next step up for something more relaxed, less all-consuming, and without too much drama, even though she took a pay cut and the job is easier. I admire her. For so long I have defined myself by my job, that I am realising I am nothing without it, simply because I have nothing left to give after it.
What to do about that, I'm not sure, but I do know that for the rest of this week, the laptop goes off, and I will do my best to switch the work head off and have some fun. Then think about getting more sleep, how to leave my forehead alone and spend more time on and with friends, because surely they're worth more than any promotion or pay-rise?
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2 comments:
Hugs to you. Many hugs. It will all work out I think. (Congratulations on promotion btw, look forward to hearing about that.) And do come collapse on our sofa and eat junk whenever you need to be away from your laptop!
I think it's about balance, love. It is possible to have a career that is not entirely all consuming, no matter where you are on the ladder. But you have to define the boundaries yourself, which is pretty damn difficult. More hugs from me, hide out here anytime while you're figuring it out.
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